Maybe I’m just an old out-of-touch geezer, but I don’t consider what the Jonas Brothers do to be “rock and roll”. I’m willing to agree that they’re making music (in the same sense that the screaming hobo on my bus route makes music) but it sure as hell isn’t rock. Rock stars aren’t clean or sweet or safe for children. They don’t wear promise rings and they sure as hell don’t play their music on Radio Disney.

Spot the difference?

Whatever else they are, it’s pretty clear that the Jonas Brothers aren’t rock stars. At least, that’s what I thought until I heard that the trio had totally trashed their hotel room! HELL YES, J-BROS! Maybe you pussies DO have what it takes to be stars. Man, I bet they got hammered and tossed liquor bottles off the balcony and vomited on room service and left heroin needles embedded in the walls and pissed their names into the carp – http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/story/jonas-brothers-trashed-hotel-room_1108302

Wait, what? They accidentally cracked a floorboard while practicing some dance moves? And then they tried to hide it? Seriously? They at least strangled a groupie or filled the bathtub with cocaine, right? Wait, I think I’ve got a snapshot of one of them staggering out of a bar with a bottle of booze and bloodshot eyes, right he-

Um.

Oh, yeah. A macchiato. That’s…that’s real badass there, kid. Okay, to hell with this. Here are 7 stories of celebrities that REALLY trashed their hotel rooms.

7. A Mother, A Daughter, And A Hotel Room

When: 2009.

People Involved: Courtney Love (44) and her daughter Frances Bean (16).

What Happened: If you have even a passing knowledge of American pop culture, you probably know that Courtney love isn’t exactly the classiest person in history.

Alluring.

In her youth, Love partied incessantly and shot enough heroin into her body to kill several bull elephants. Of course, these days Love is well past her prime. She’s 44 years old, and she even has a 16 year -old daughter. At this point in her life, you’d expect love to have calmed down a bit. Surely a middle-aged woman with a teenage daughter can be trusted with a hotel room for one night. http://www.nypost.com/p/pagesix/courtney_love_trashes_hotel_room_bqgFgJreWgaw29P8h4fHrN

Apparently not! In one night, Love and her daughter managed to turn a high-end New York hotel into a filth-riddled warren. These two ladies left stained female hygiene products, used needles, and a variety of other unsanitary detritus strewn around the hotel room. Employees for the hotel said Love “completely ruined” the room.

Total Damages: $5,000.

Lessons Learned: The list of things Courtney Love is not to be trusted with has now been expanded to include hotel rooms, tampons, and her sixteen year old daughter. These items are numbers #888, #889, and #890 respectively.

Courtney and her sober sitter…err, daughter.

6. Spaghetti And Property Damage

When: 2008.

People Involved: Amy Winehouse.

What Happened: Last year Amy Winehouse, AKA “Courtney Love 2.0″ was invited to the Brit Awards in London. She was given a room in the classy River Bank Plaza hotel and decided to celebrate her nomination by soiling her room and everything in it. Winehouse tore down all of the paintings on the walls, spilled liquor everywhere, and emptied whole bottles of champagne, and left her dirty underpants strewn far and wide.

All in only a few hours. http://www.theinsider.com/news/682061_Back_to_Blackout_Amy_Winehouse_Trashes_Hotel_Room

Winehouse’s bender occurred right before she left for an awards ceremony. Say what you will about her music, the woman is an artist when it comes to fucking up hotel rooms.

Annoying music is her business. Making life hard for hotel maids is her calling.

This isn’t the only time Winehouse has ruined expensive things for no discernible reason. She’s also caused thousands of dollars in damage to the Sanderson Hotel in London, and painted the walls of a hotel in Munich with the sauce from her spaghetti dinner.

Amy Winehouse: Caught in the Act.

Total Damages: At this point, Winehouse’s total tally is probably closing in on $50,000. Her spaghetti damages exceeded $18,000, which is almost as impressive as it is sad.

Lessons Learned: Amy Winehouse doesn’t need a hotel suite, she needs a plastic bubble they can house out between concerts.

Something like this.

5. Motorcycles & Zeppelins

When: The mid-to-late 1970s.

People Involved: Led Zeppelin.

What Happened: Back in the day, Zep would routinely rent out as many as six entire floors of the Andaz West Hollywood Hotel (which they called the Riot House). They held legendary parties filled with drugs, sex, loud music and massive property destruction. The band routinely did $10,000+ worth of damage in a sitting.

Sometimes they’d just break things for the joy of breaking them. John Bonham had a reputation for going through rooms and simply disassembling everything with a screwdriver. When you’re young, rich, and incredibly famous you have a duty to commit petty property destruction.

The band, pictured shortly before all hell broke loose.

The most famous shenanigans the band ever got up to involved a pair of motorbikes, John Bonham, and tour manager Richard Cole. They would race their bikes through the hallways of the hotel, shrieking with the pure joy that comes from having youth, a motorcycle, and enough celebrity to utterly indemnify you for any crime you could possibly commit.

Total Damages: Virtually incalculable. Certainly in the hundreds of thousands.

Lessons Learned: John Bonham is why we can’t have nice things.

They probably could have shot the Pope and no one would have cared.

4. Keith Richards’ Magical Television Adventure

When: 1972.

People Involved: Keith Richards, Bobby Keyes, and enough drugs to keep all of China stoned for a year.

What Happened: Once upon a time, Keith Richards did a shit ton of drugs and decided to impress a documentarian. He and Bobby Keyes waited until the video camera was rolling and then tossed a still-plugged-in TV off of a tenth floor balcony. It shattered on the ground below, and helped to cement Richards’ reputation as a crazy, drug-fueled lunatic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMecXZdpN4Q

Total Damages: A few hundred dollars. It’s not the size of the mayhem wrought, it’s how well you manage to publicize it.

Lessons Learned: Keith Richards is a ridiculous attention whore, but we still love him anyway.

Keith, how the hell are you still alive?

3. Johnny Depp Loses A Fight With Kate Moss

When: 1994.

People Involved: Johnny Depp, Kate Moss. Dignity was conspicuously absent.

Which one of them is the lady?

What Happened: Here are the facts: One cold September morning in New York’s exclusive Mark Hotel, patrons in multiple rooms woke up to the sounds of shattering glass and girlish screams. The violent noises were eventually traced back to Depp’s room. Security entered, and found the couple embroiled in a bitter and violent battle. The two were calmed down and separated, at which point the hotel manager noticed that Depp and his stick-thin girlfriend had completely destroyed the hotel room in their spat.

Johnny offered to pay for the damages, but the hotel asked him and Moss to leave. They refused, the police were called in, and Depp was arrested. The best part of the whole thing? The argument apparently started after Moss told her beau that his dangle was a little too small for her tastes.

No one was surprised.

Total Damages: A little under $10,000.

Lessons Learned: When the police confronted Johnny, he blamed the extensive damages on the work of an armadillo. If Depp had remembered to bring some armadillo feces or footprint molds with him, he might have actually gotten away with it. That’s just lazy planning, John-boy.

Next time be prepared.

2. The Who Get Banned From Holiday Inn

When: 1967.

People Involved: Keith Moon.

One crazy mother…and not a bad drummer either.

What Happened: Keith Moon was the drummer for The Who during the band’s glory days. He had a penchant for detonating toilets with dynamite and, by 1967 had already been banned from several chains of hotels for his antics. Like every rock star, writer, politician, activist, soldier, and house-wife in the late 60s, Keith loved him some drugs. Is it any surprise that his 21st birthday ended with the single most legendary party in rock history?

Moon began his night blowing the toilet in his bathroom to smithereens with a large chunk of dynamite. He waited up until the moment of detonation to dive out of the bathroom and avoid a spray of porcelain shrapnel. That kicked things off.

Moon’s buddies presented him with an enormous five-layer cake, which Keith threw into the crowd in order to set off an apocalyptic food fight. Moon, The Who, and all their friends spent the entire night soaring to dizzying levels of excess. Eventually the cops showed up, which prompted a now nearly naked Moon to dart for the freedom of his nearby Lincoln Continental and drive it through a fence and into the hotel’s pool. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keith_Moon

Total Damages: $24,000. Keith also lost his two front teeth when he tripped on a piece of marzipan whilst fleeing Johnny Law.

Lessons Learned: Under no circumstances should you allow drummers access to dynamite.

1. Billy Idol Versus The Thai Military

When: 1989.

People Involved: Billy Idol.

Yes! I’ve just built a time machine to take me back to 1985!

What Happened: The 80s were coming to an end, and international music superstar Billy Idol knew that the best part of his career would soon end with it. He decided to have one last great hurrah and set off for Thailand, a nation where everything is legal presuming you are white and wealthy.

Billy bulldozed his way across the major hotels of Thailand. He did every kind of drug imaginable and slept with hundreds of women that were either groupies, Thai prostitutes, or both. The pop star left destroyed hotel rooms, stoned-out groupies, and empty trash bags of drugs in his wake. After a three week, $250,000 drug orgy, Idol finally ended up stuck in the penthouse of the famous Oriental hotel in Bangkok.

Idol’s money hadn’t run out, but the government’s patience had. They ordered him to leave, and he refused. Eventually the authorities were forced to call in the national army in order to tranquilize and strap the coked-up superstar to a stretcher.

Sure, Idol’s brief reign of terror may not be as famous as Moon’s. I’m still declaring him the winner. No one in The Who had an entire army on his ass.

Oh shit, Billy’s back!

Total Damage: $20,000.

Lessons Learned: If you want to commit laundry lists of felonies while inhaling gallons of illegal narcotics, Thailand is your Mecca.