They don’t mow, they don’t fix broken pipes, paint peeling doors or turn on the heat until December, but they always want their money on time. Bad land lords are the reason renters buy extra blankets and figure out how to cook Jiffy pop with a Zippo. They unapologetically fail you at every opportunity and turn the simplest of house hold maintenance into invasive procedures. Whether it stems from laziness, indifference, ineptitude, greed or just plain ignorance the shitty land lords of the world have it coming. Now, you can wait for karma to kick in, or you can take matters into your own hands with some of these ideas. We’re not saying they’re all legal, they’re just options.
1. Pay your mortgage in pennies. It will be heavy, so have it shipped in boxes, or deliver it in a wheel barrow.
2. On your rent checks, fill in the “Memo” field with goods and services that will make the teller look at your land lord funny. I.e 30,000 Cornish Game Hens or Naked Rodeo Tickets.
3. Deliver rent checks in the form of Complex origami structures. The longer it takes to un-fold the check, the more points you get.
4. Each month, send your rent check in an envelope filled with confetti, glitter, sequins, chocolate sprinkles or any other generic viagra canada tiny annoying substance which will force your land lord to vacuum immediately.
5. Pay in cash, but put fake scratch and sniff stickers on the president’s faces.
6. Pay rent in foreign currency.
7. Sign the wrong name to a check, when the landlord angrily inquires, blame your other personality, he or she is slightly unstable, but you’re perfectly fine.
8. Instead of a rent check, mail the first clue in a scavenger hunt to where your rent check can actually be found. Utilize local land marks and grocery stores wisely.
9. Only submit to making rent payments when “all of the planets are aligned” use visual aids when explaining this policy.
10. Hand deliver your rent checks. Dress in a trench coat, sunglasses and fedora. Be as sketchy as possible and act as though you’re being followed. Say “I was never here, got it?”
11. Fill out your rent checks in crayon
12. Run your check up the flag pole. Deliver a flag as payment, feign genuine surprise when corrected. This can also be used in conjunction with number #8.
13. Ask if the land lord minds you doing some “gardening”. You’d like to grow some “plants”. Use air quotes with the words “gardening” and “plants”. Wink dramatically.
14. Send ransom notes for other tenants. Make sure the tenant in question is at home. That will reduce your chances of going to jail.
15. Raise Chickens
16. Get chalk, get police tape and get creative.
17. If you live in a no pets complex install a dogs barking doorbell.
18. Change your locks every month; make this cheaper by having a few different locks you use in a rotation.
19. Leave stacks of pornography in public places around your complex or building. The weirder the better, i.e clown porn.
20. Write “The end is near” on the outside of your door. Begin converting the basement in to a survival bunker for 2012. When confronted assure the landlord you’ll “save him a spot”.
21. Every time the land lord comes over, play Brittney Spears, Miley Cyrus or Death Metal whichever you A. can tolerate most or B. think will make you seem the most bizarre. Dance awkwardly, and shamelessly.
22. Frequently complain about other tenants, pick the most harmless ones. Discuss their strange behavior as vaguely as possible and claim that they may be aliens.
23. Intentionally lure stray cats into the building
24. Complain bitterly and vehemently that your refrigerator is broken, when the land lord comes to see, allow him to inform you it’s unplugged. Blame gremlins.
25. Insist your apartment is haunted. Demand an excercism of the building. Or loudly perform one yourself.
26. Before vacating, turn your living room into a rabbit farm.
27. Carpet the ceiling.
28. Hang up flyers in an attempt to sub-let the stairwell
29. Complain about a severe toilet issue. When he’s on his way, upper-deck yourself.
30. Create a creepy altar to your landlord use candles and pictures. Request that he come by to inspect an urgent problem. Don’t be there when he arrives so you can’t be asked to for explanation.
31. Refuse to pay rent until the land lord installs a marsupial detector.
32. Send your landlord pictures of himself.
33. Set up ropes and a bouncer outside your building, begin asking for id’s and charging a cover.
34. Cover the lawn with political endorsements. Make them conflicting and controversial. If possible get some from out of state, last election or make up fake candidates.
35. Stack pizza boxes in your hallway, claim you’re building a porch.
36. Police your hallways, chastise people for missing “curfew”. When confronted by the land lord mention you’ve been meaning to ask for a rent break in exchange for your services.
37. Send him packages of waffles.
38. Hang a close line in the hallway.
39. Hide in a closet when your land lord is coming over. Surprise him, catch his reaction on film and up load it to You Tube.
40. Paper mache the railings.
41. Mail your land lord several dead ants, and a letter requesting fumigation. This most effective as torture when there is no actual pest problem
42. Obnoxiously over decorate the outside of your building for the holidays. The wrong holidays.
43. Divide your rent by the number of days in the month, and write an individual check for each days cost.
44. Turn the outside of your apartment into a giant ad for preparation H.
45. Hide raw meat and cheese at random in vents and ducts. Blame Hickory Farms.
46. Hoist a pirate flag on your building
47. Run bake sales on the premises with the proceeds to benefit the “Get me out of this hell hole and into a decent place” fund.
48. Before vacating, re-hang all of your doors upside down.
49. Inhale helium, call the land lord complaining of a gas leak.
50. Speak to your landlord in tongues.