You know, there are a shitload of things that I’d love to bitch-slap Oprah for.  And while unleashing the douchebaggery of Dr. Phil unto the world once topped the list, it has recently been usurped by turning housewives of the world onto Twitter.  In the interest of full disclosure I should tell you up front that I hate Twitter.  I understand that there are a lot of viable and worthy applications for the world’s foremost micro-blog, especially those in the commercial arena,  but I’ve found it to be more of an limitless license for regular people to poop diarrhea of text in 140 character chunks.

I don’t care what you had for lunch and I damn sure don’t want to see a picture of it.  I’m not intrigued if you post some vague and pithy life quote that you think is going to make me think you’re a mysterious and tortured soul.  And I could give a rat’s ass about the inside joke you share with one of your followers.  For all the things I hate about Twitter I’ve found something that I really love…. the fact that your dumb little tweets can jump up and bite you right in your ass.

It seems that the criminals of today in all their 21st century ingenuity have found a way to turn Twitter into a potential gold mine.   You remember that scene in “Home Alone” when Joe Pesci dressed up as a cop and conversed with the homeowners in a posh neighborhood to get their detailed travel plans?  Well today’s criminals are kind of doing that.  But instead of running the risk of getting their collective asses caught before they even attempt the robbery by impersonating a police officer and interviewing the potential mark… they’re doing it anonymously through Twitter.  They’re watching your accounts, all your pithy little updates, and they’re keeping an eye on when people might be traveling out of town or leaving their homes for any extended period of time.  If you don’t think that it can happen to you then you’re an idiot.  Just ask this guy in Arizona.  You can read about him here and here.

If you’re like most Americans you probably leave a light or two on when you go out or maybe even use timers when going away for a while.  That’s all well and good.  Maybe it helps, maybe it doesn’t.  No matter what, it certainly doesn’t hurt your chances.  I’ll tell you what does hurt your chances.  When you have tweets that say “another 10 hours of driving ahead” or “Just touched down in Vegas.”  I mean seriously, are you F’N kidding me?  If internet criminals are nothing else, they are enterprising.  If you think the fact that your twitter account is twitter.com/darthvadersupermanlover2029 is enough to provide you anonymity then you are greatly mistaken.  I can guarantee you that you are not as protected as you think you are.  What’s more, most twitter-ers (twitter’s… tweeters… twits… how do you properly pluralize that without saying ‘twitter account holder’?) have little interest in anonymity.  Most of them just love telling you everything about them.  I gather it makes them feel important.

When you tweet, think for a second about what you’re broadcasting to the world.  I want you to try and remember two things:

1.  Imagine that your account name includes your full name, address, and telephone number.  Because there’s a chance that someone can find that out.  So refrain from saying “Going to the Proctologist today gonna need some drinks after that. Hit me on my cell if you need me before 10.”  Use your cell to tell the people who need to know when you’re out and don’t announce it to everyone else.

2.  Imagine that somewhere in your group of ‘followers’ there is at least one or two people that are less interested in what you thought of Grey’s Anatomy last night and more interested in getting into your house and robbing you blind. Thus, it might not be good to announce “This new 50′ LCD TV is the bomb especially with w/ my 1000 Watt surround sound.  I got the hookup… ha ha suckas.”  You could be tempting fate.

If you can remember and visualize those things then you might actually second guess the fact that you’re going on a “long jog… be back in a couple of hours.”  If you take those steps and still decide to let the info fly be at least prepared for the eventuality that somebody conceivably could lift your shit while you’re away.  It helps if you remember the old Chinese proverb that says; “The twit who tweets too much becomes that twat who has too little.”