One of the first things a man does after he gets divorced is to find a new apartment and renters insurance. Well, actually, this usually happens at some point before the divorce is finalized. Really, what kind of self-loathing masochist is willing to keep on living with the ex while the divorce proceedings are going on? But at any rate, once you move out into the world of being a free man again, there are a few things that apartment is going to absolutely need. And don’t let anyone, especially your ex, talk you out of it.

• La-Z-Boys. I don’t care what anyone says. Couches are overrated. The only thing you need to do on a couch can be done better in the bedroom.

• A Pool Table. Preferably, this should be set up right smack in the middle of the living room. If your apartment is too small, a foosball table or a poker table is still a step in the right direction. Regardless of what anybody says, this is a perfectly practical thing to have in the middle of your living room. It gives you something to do when the guys are over. And, honestly, which one of your married friends won’t envy you?

• A killer entertainment system with surround sound so loud it’ll make your eardrums bleed. OK, so you won’t be allowed to actually listen to it that loud in an apartment, but that isn’t the point. The idea is that you now have something she wouldn’t let you have in the house before. And, after all, isn’t that what we’re going for here?

• Fold out beds. OK, these are more for the practical side of things. Unless you have a lot more money than most of us, you won’t be able to completely furnish kids’ rooms, and you don’t want your kids sleeping on the couch (or, worse, on the pool table) when they come to visit.

• Any damn thing that you want. You’ve probably spent the last several years being diplomatic about how you spend every dime that you earn, and most of your hard earned money has gone to pay for things you really could do without. Now your income (less child support) is yours. Do what you want to with it, and get whatever you want. Just make sure you have renters insurance so you can replace it if one of your married friends sneaks over and steals it.

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